Happy People -- The Bellini-Boyle family -- Mom and Dad

 

 Linda Bellini and Declan Boyle

Happiness is about mutual respect

I'm beginning a series on happy people.  There is so much
information available on happiness, that I'd like to explore
how specific people define it.  What makes them happy?,
how do they conquer the blues?  What are their tips for
getting and staying in a happy frame of mind.

Last week I had the pleasure of talking to Linda Bellini,
an IT consultant and Declan Boyle, a Fitness Industry
expert.  They are a happily married couple
with three beautiful daughters 10, 11 and 13.

What makes this family work well?
Sitting at the kitchen table I asked Linda and Declan
what it is about their own family life that makes
them happy.  It was a brilliant sunny day and outside
their garden showed the love and care they put into their
home.

"I grew up with three brothers," Linda says  "I have three
kids, and I love having people around.  I like to know
that every time I turn around there's someone there.
Even if the girls are fighting I like being together.
I like the energy and the fact that there's always
something happening.  I enjoy being part of a family."

Declan agrees.  Both parents like doing things
with their children, going for bike rides, or skiing.
Outdoor activities are a big hit.  "A family that
does things together and wants to see the best
for other family members creates a happy
family life," he says.

Are they getting better at being happy as they get older?
"Definitely," they assure me.  Despite their beautiful home
and lovely family, they are not stress free.  Declan is between
jobs at the moment and looking for work.  But his attitude is
delightfully positive.  "I get to spend more time with my kids,
and to be here when they get home from school."

Linda, who has a demanding job in the IT business is a
devoted and affectionate Mom.  With three kids and a high
stress job, she recharges by taking time out in the day to
be alone.  "I love reading," she says. "I'm enjoying
Game of Thrones at the moment." Facebook lets her catch
up on relatives in Italy, and as an escape from the pressures
of work, she likes to relax reading Hollywood gossip blogs.

Does this happily married couple have tips for other
couples wanting a strong, and loving relationship?
They do.  Here are some of them:

1. Respect each other.  This means listening to each other
and being there 100%.

2. Check in.  Stop and really make that connection
a few times every day. Ask, 'Hey, how are you doing?'

3.  Understand, appreciate and accept your differences.
Linda comes from an Italian family where confrontation
was the norm.  Declan's Irish family were the complete
opposite.  No one discussed issues.   It's important
to realize that in a couple you are both different, and
respect that difference with your friends, your beliefs
and traditions. You have to make sure that the key
differences that matter are acknowledged and
celebrated.

4.  Take an inventory of what's going well.  You may
be having a hard time with work, helping your children,
an ailing parent, but take comfort in all the things
that are going well in your life.  "Count your lucky
stars," Declan says.

5. Get outside.  The whole family recommends this one.
Appreciating the great outdoors cheers them up and
makes them happy.

6.  Don't take yourself too seriously.  Or lighten up.
Realize that in most cases whether or not you're
happy or sad is your own decision -- so pick happy.

More to come:  Stay tuned next week for the kids'
point of view.

10 Reasons to be Happy

 Sometimes a good cup of coffee with friends will

cheer you up.

Here's a little exercise that can really help on a day
when life seems too hard. It's called 10 Reasons
 to be Happy.

I have tried this exercise in classes for years with
surprising results.  People who have lived through
the most horrifying events can start to feel better
when they can come up with even one small reason
to be happy.

And for those of us blessed with leading
 fairly decent lives most of the time, it's good
 to focus on what's working, instead of what's not.

I'm a good candidate for this today because I have
a cold and the flu. So here's how it works.  The
 reasons don't have to be earth shatteringly
magnificent.  If you're really down you may just
be happy to be alive.

My list today:
1.  I am almost finished my portrait commission

2. Steven is getting better, which means there's hope
    for me.

3. It was a beautiful day.

4.  I sat outside for a few minutes with the cat.

5. Steven bought enough lemons for me to make
   lots of hot lemon to get rid of this cold.

6. William Kuhn who wrote the wonderful
     novel Mrs. Queen Takes The Train wished
     me well on my art blog.

7. There was a great conversation about the word
    hashtag on Q on CBC Radio this morning.

8.  We had pasta and tomato sauce with tuna for
    dinner.

9. New people have visited my art blog and
    commented.

10. You are reading this and got to number 10.
       (and so did I).

In a class setting 10 people go to the front of the
room and each of them says, "I am happy today
because."  A strange thing happens.  No matter
how grumpy the group was before that exercise,
or how grizzly the day, people start to laugh and
smile and the mood lifts.  Ideas and words have
power.  I do believe that frequently happiness is
a choice.  If we can, let's choose that state.

Have a finding-reasons-to-be-happy day

Do your own thing

 

A happy mother with her child

Photo by Barbara Muir © 2013

This happiness idea is for parents.  New babies and toddlers
are all consuming.  They absolutely require the kind
of attention we give them.  But as much as they are
our hope for the future, they are also their own hope for
their own futures.  As soon as they can walk and talk
and go to school, they will be starting their own lives
with their own ideas.

We need to go back to living our own lives, as much
as possible, as soon as we can, and give them room
 to breathe, grow and become who they want to be.
My sister, who is a therapist calls this the concept
of "benevolent neglect," which is about loving and
fostering our children, but not doing their lives
for them, or living our own lives through them. 
I see so many young adults trying to study science,
when they want to be fashion designers, trying to be
 good at sports, when they want to do art, or be
French teachers. 

If we aren't careful as parents to carry on with our
own hopes and dreams, as well as nurturing our
children's dreams, we'll be working on creating
clones.  Clones aren't happy, free people who
can choose to be anything they want to be -- they're
copies, and unhappy imitations at best.

If we take our kids to ballet, or the Science Fair,
cheer them on, but don't think of their success
as our entire life's purpose, ironically they have
a better chance of thriving and loving what they
choose to do independently.

If we can do that -- continue to focus on what
we love to do, even after we have a family --
our children will thank us one day.

Have a-focusing-on-your-own-dreams day.

Happy International Happiness Day

Ready for Joy

Barbara Muir © 2011

(I'm using the same image on both blogs tonight

because that arms in the air happy pose is the

subject of the first blog on this site, and it

is the universal posture of over-the-top happy people.) 

Today seems like a great day to announce this
blog to the world. I have been pretty busy with the
rest of my life, and that is a good thing according to
experts -- busy people are happier.  So what's up?
Well it's the first ever International Happiness Day,
and the United Nations has recognized the importance
of happiness to its 193 member states.

I've been thinking a lot about happiness and couples.
This is the first day of spring, but outside it's
still winter and it's been a long one. One of my
students loaned me a book that was
featured on Oprah's Life Class series this
winter -- The Five Love Languages by
Gary Chapman.  This book has transformed the
way I look at talking to my husband, and I'm
sure you'd enjoy it whether you are married, or
 in a love relationship, or not.

The author proposes that the main reason we are
on the planet is to be loving. That's not a new message,
but the way he applies it to marriage (and it can work
 in friendship and in all of your relationships) is if that's
our primary purpose, we'll think twice before criticizing,
joking about our mates in a negative way, or putting our
partners down with other people.

Will this destroy the humour in your relationships?
I haven't found that to be true.  I think my husband
and I have had more fun, and laughed more since
I started reading Chapman's book, than we ever
did before.  And we have always loved anything
funny.

What may disappear is sarcasm -- which doesn't
really help intimate partners, or for that matter friends,
family, or work mates.  The put down is a big part of
North American life.  But in one on one relationships,
and in relationships between countries -- it doesn't lead
to happiness.

What does help is praise, and kindness -- but as Chapman
points out we have to learn how to talk to one another first.
His book goes a long way to teaching us how to transform
our love relationships.  More loving = more loved, and
that will make us happier.

Welcome to my blog and

Happy International Happiness Day.

The elegance of kindness

 A boy walks through a child-sized arch in the 

community gardens at the Brick Works in Toronto, Canada.

These gardens were near the building where I first

started painting with my art club, the DVAC and

met my very kind friend George.

Elegance is something we all crave -- elegant homes,
stylish cars, luxurious vacations and clothes.  But I
would argue that the most important form of elegance
is kindness.  Every act of kindness is an act of love,
and as such is the sign of true elegance.  When you
help someone else in small or major ways, pay someone
a compliment, or notice the kind actions others
have performed for you, you make the world a better
place.  This isn't a new idea I know, but it's an
important one.

 A friend of mine, a fellow artist, died last week.
 In a month we will have a memorial to pay him tribute.
We are calling it a celebration, but I imagine there
will not be a dry eye in our small art club room, next to a local
library.  What I hope will resonate with everyone
present, is that a life well lived with a sense of
elegance is a life filled with kindness.  And
that is what our friend, a wonderful artist too,
had going for him.  Even confined to a wheelchair
with ALS, only able to move the device when
someone moved one hand onto the controls for
him, my friend had the grace that comes from
thoughtfulness.  He listened to my stories,
and beamed at me.  And in my mind he was still
the vigorous man he'd been a couple of years
before, who traveled around Europe appreciating
and making art, and was no doubt welcome
wherever he went.

My friend George knew how to smile, knew how
to care, and I think he definitely had figured out
how to be happy.

Have a being-kind-for-the-joy-of-it day

Look forward

 Melinda Esparza walks her dogs.

Photo By Edgar Schrock

 January is a month filled with plans, and a
sense of entering new territory.  And that's good.
A friend taught me to pay attention to how
 dogs move through life. It's rare for a dog out
for a walk to look back. She said we could learn
a vital lesson from that, and I think she's right.
It's counter intelligent to focus too much on the past,
the minute details, the what went wrong?, the who
 hurt who?, and who said what, and what does it all mean?
That doesn't mean that we can't treasure our
delightful memories of people, places, meals,
music, wonderful books, art and a whole
world of past pleasure.

But it does mean that thinking about the next
minute, what you see in front of you, what is
special right now, and then leading yourself
forward with engaging plans will be a better
way to foster feelings of happiness, than
dwelling on all the should have, could have,
would haves that plague us.  Instead move
forward and notice what's great, and
what you are doing well today.

Now how about a walk with the dog?

Have a moving-forward-with-grace day. 

(Note -  I don't mean we should forget
our history.  I mean we have to live today
no matter what that history was.)

Silly works

  Tap H-a-p-p-y on Your opposite hand.  

I usually start with the thumb, but I

photographed it this way so you could

read it.  (Note you don't need sticky notes

-- those are strictly to illustrate.) 

The beautiful hand is my 

husband Steven's contribution.

Barbara Muir © 2013

One of the things that gets in the way of my happiness,
and something many people have talked about is
obsessing.  You are lying in bed at night, warm, maybe
 even with the one you love sleeping next to you, and you are
wide awake running a movie of the next day, a fight you had
with your teenager, a big problem you're having with
a project.  The continuous loop is riveting.  You
can't sleep, you can't relax, and if this thing goes
on for days, you may not be able to eat, you may
even get sick.

How can you stop it right there? Allow your
magnificent, goofy, problem solving brain to
take over.  First take a deep breath (deep
breathing always helps us calm down -- I know
you already know this.)  Then do a child's trick.
Tap "I love you" on your opposite palm. Three taps
= I love you.  You don't love you?  You better start.
If that doesn't make you smile (back to day one),
try this. Spell out H-A-P-P-Y on your right hand
with your left hand.  If you're not alone and it's the
middle of the night, do this silently.  Try it.  Come
on.  Guess what that right hand (and your left hand
too) is perfect for spelling happy.  And -- just
spelling it begins to make your brain think you are.
At least the possibility exists.

Do me a favour and keep this to yourself.  But
sometimes the simplest little ideas transform
our existence.  And when you're trying to be
happy -- that matters.

Have a H-A-P-P-Y day.