Inspiration is key

 A writer I know works with his 

faithful companion -- the dog.

I am always excited when I discover more intelligent proof
for the importance of happiness.  It helps me add to
my understanding of why I think happiness is so vital.
My latest source is a short TED talk by
Shawn Achor, founder of GoodThink Inc. called
The Happy Secret to Better Work.  Achor was a professor
at Harvard for 10 years.  His Happiness course was
one of the most popular courses on campus. It makes
perfect sense to me that as Achor says people assume
that achievement and success leads to happiness,
when in fact it's the other way around.  Like the title
of my blog, Smile First, it turns out that happiness
comes first.  Happy people are more productive.
Our brains work more efficiently when we're happy.
But one of the most exciting messages in his talk
was that 5 actions can change your level of
happiness in 21 days. 

Here are his recommendations
1. Being grateful for 3 things each day
2. Writing in a journal daily, about one beautiful
or positive experience in the day.
3. Exercising.
4. Meditation and
5. Doing random acts of kindness.

Since listening to the talk last week I've been following
his plan. Writing down three things I'm grateful for every day
makes me think about the good parts of my life. Most
of the time I could write a much longer gratitude list, but in hard
times those three things can turn a day around. The positive
journal idea, helps me hold on to what is meaningful and
memorable in my life. Exercising is a vital way to show
ourselves that we matter. It requires a certain daily discipline,
plus it's fun, so it boosts our happiness.  And being kind makes us feel
happy.  It all comes back to the core message that in order
to love others, we have to love ourselves first.  When the
day is done, if we can look back and see the good in the
day, and that we were kind, we know we are honouring the
best in ourselves, and that leads to happiness.

Watch this fabulous talk if you haven't already.
Achor is a wonderful speaker, and has definitely inspired me
to be happier.

Keeping the kids happy

 

 Ava, Lili and Wrenna -- sisters enjoying a great summer

It’s summer – long days and no school make parents

busy planning how to keep their children happy.  No

parent wants to see those long days disappear on

television and worse – boredom.

But how do children think about happiness and 

summer? I interviewed girls of three different ages

in one family to get their thoughts. All three said that 

they had always been happy, that they like being with 

their family. These lucky girls have parents who take 

an active interest in their delight in life, and encourage 

their passions.

10

The youngest Wrenna is a duct tape artist.  We started

talking and she showed me a large box filled with

bright coloured wallets, cell phone covers, and even a

purse.  I had no idea duct tape came in so many colours

and patterns, bright reds,  and blues, ice cream patterned,

leopard skin duct tape?  Wrennna laughed.  Her wallets

are very pro – lots of sections for cards, money stamps.

Plus she paints.  Suddenly her sister covered the table in

Wrenna's brilliant canvasses. Her level of creativity,
and skill was impressive.  This summer she is going to
be going camping with her family, and she loves that activity. 

The only thing she could think of that ever made her unhappy

was a giant salad that she didn’t like, a terrific indication that

this is a happy child.

11 almost 12

Lili who is going into Grade 7 loves being with 

her family, going on bike rides, visiting her 

grandfather on his farm.  She loves travelling with 

her family.  “We went to Argentina and that was so 

much fun!"  Like many preteens she enjoys socializing 

with friends. “My family is funny and jokes around a lot,” 

she says.  The only thing that makes her unhappy is 

when her sisters get “in her business,” go into her room.

This summer she’s going to Miakonda, a summer 

camp, where she’ll sleep in a tent with her fellow 

campers.  She’s looking forward to doing arts and

 crafts and canoeing there.

Family camping is a highlight of her summer too. 

 “We like going hiking and canoeing.  Once we saw

 a moose, and that was really cool.” We’ll spend a 

lot of time at the cottage.

In quiet moments Lili loves reading and is reading

 the Harry Potter books now.  She’s read Anne of Green

 Gables, and The Hunger Games.  Plus she likes poetry.

She is an artist too.  She brought me a large canvas 

painted in acrylics in a deep rose colour, then cut in 

an abstract pattern so the edges curled.  The painting 

was both a painting and sculptural -- and shows real

talent.

13

Ava is very happy about the summer vacation because 

she is going to visit one of her aunts in San Francisco

 alone.  She says she can’t wait to go to the farmers'

 markets and the street fairs  while she’s there. 

The teenager says that she’s always been happy.  

 She loves listening to music.  I asked her about her

 favorite groups. She likes Pamplemousse,  

Walk of the Earth, and Mumford and Sons.

During the school year her parents have strict 

rules about when she can text, call or use Facetime. 

 “No iPad after 9 o’clock, no talking to people you 

don’t know, no iPad, or TV on school days.  So now 

that school’s out it's great that she can enjoy her iPad
any time she says laughing.

If she gets sad or moody, she says it helps to 

think about why she’s sad, listen to happy music,

 or watch a super TV show like Glee.   

Kids are not that different from adults.  What makes

 them happy is being active and following their

 interests.  This summer these sisters will have plenty 

of occasions to experience the kind of time that will

 create warm memories of a great summer when 

they are back in school.

Happy People -- The Bellini-Boyle family -- Mom and Dad

 

 Linda Bellini and Declan Boyle

Happiness is about mutual respect

I'm beginning a series on happy people.  There is so much
information available on happiness, that I'd like to explore
how specific people define it.  What makes them happy?,
how do they conquer the blues?  What are their tips for
getting and staying in a happy frame of mind.

Last week I had the pleasure of talking to Linda Bellini,
an IT consultant and Declan Boyle, a Fitness Industry
expert.  They are a happily married couple
with three beautiful daughters 10, 11 and 13.

What makes this family work well?
Sitting at the kitchen table I asked Linda and Declan
what it is about their own family life that makes
them happy.  It was a brilliant sunny day and outside
their garden showed the love and care they put into their
home.

"I grew up with three brothers," Linda says  "I have three
kids, and I love having people around.  I like to know
that every time I turn around there's someone there.
Even if the girls are fighting I like being together.
I like the energy and the fact that there's always
something happening.  I enjoy being part of a family."

Declan agrees.  Both parents like doing things
with their children, going for bike rides, or skiing.
Outdoor activities are a big hit.  "A family that
does things together and wants to see the best
for other family members creates a happy
family life," he says.

Are they getting better at being happy as they get older?
"Definitely," they assure me.  Despite their beautiful home
and lovely family, they are not stress free.  Declan is between
jobs at the moment and looking for work.  But his attitude is
delightfully positive.  "I get to spend more time with my kids,
and to be here when they get home from school."

Linda, who has a demanding job in the IT business is a
devoted and affectionate Mom.  With three kids and a high
stress job, she recharges by taking time out in the day to
be alone.  "I love reading," she says. "I'm enjoying
Game of Thrones at the moment." Facebook lets her catch
up on relatives in Italy, and as an escape from the pressures
of work, she likes to relax reading Hollywood gossip blogs.

Does this happily married couple have tips for other
couples wanting a strong, and loving relationship?
They do.  Here are some of them:

1. Respect each other.  This means listening to each other
and being there 100%.

2. Check in.  Stop and really make that connection
a few times every day. Ask, 'Hey, how are you doing?'

3.  Understand, appreciate and accept your differences.
Linda comes from an Italian family where confrontation
was the norm.  Declan's Irish family were the complete
opposite.  No one discussed issues.   It's important
to realize that in a couple you are both different, and
respect that difference with your friends, your beliefs
and traditions. You have to make sure that the key
differences that matter are acknowledged and
celebrated.

4.  Take an inventory of what's going well.  You may
be having a hard time with work, helping your children,
an ailing parent, but take comfort in all the things
that are going well in your life.  "Count your lucky
stars," Declan says.

5. Get outside.  The whole family recommends this one.
Appreciating the great outdoors cheers them up and
makes them happy.

6.  Don't take yourself too seriously.  Or lighten up.
Realize that in most cases whether or not you're
happy or sad is your own decision -- so pick happy.

More to come:  Stay tuned next week for the kids'
point of view.

10 Reasons to be Happy

 Sometimes a good cup of coffee with friends will

cheer you up.

Here's a little exercise that can really help on a day
when life seems too hard. It's called 10 Reasons
 to be Happy.

I have tried this exercise in classes for years with
surprising results.  People who have lived through
the most horrifying events can start to feel better
when they can come up with even one small reason
to be happy.

And for those of us blessed with leading
 fairly decent lives most of the time, it's good
 to focus on what's working, instead of what's not.

I'm a good candidate for this today because I have
a cold and the flu. So here's how it works.  The
 reasons don't have to be earth shatteringly
magnificent.  If you're really down you may just
be happy to be alive.

My list today:
1.  I am almost finished my portrait commission

2. Steven is getting better, which means there's hope
    for me.

3. It was a beautiful day.

4.  I sat outside for a few minutes with the cat.

5. Steven bought enough lemons for me to make
   lots of hot lemon to get rid of this cold.

6. William Kuhn who wrote the wonderful
     novel Mrs. Queen Takes The Train wished
     me well on my art blog.

7. There was a great conversation about the word
    hashtag on Q on CBC Radio this morning.

8.  We had pasta and tomato sauce with tuna for
    dinner.

9. New people have visited my art blog and
    commented.

10. You are reading this and got to number 10.
       (and so did I).

In a class setting 10 people go to the front of the
room and each of them says, "I am happy today
because."  A strange thing happens.  No matter
how grumpy the group was before that exercise,
or how grizzly the day, people start to laugh and
smile and the mood lifts.  Ideas and words have
power.  I do believe that frequently happiness is
a choice.  If we can, let's choose that state.

Have a finding-reasons-to-be-happy day

Do your own thing

 

A happy mother with her child

Photo by Barbara Muir © 2013

This happiness idea is for parents.  New babies and toddlers
are all consuming.  They absolutely require the kind
of attention we give them.  But as much as they are
our hope for the future, they are also their own hope for
their own futures.  As soon as they can walk and talk
and go to school, they will be starting their own lives
with their own ideas.

We need to go back to living our own lives, as much
as possible, as soon as we can, and give them room
 to breathe, grow and become who they want to be.
My sister, who is a therapist calls this the concept
of "benevolent neglect," which is about loving and
fostering our children, but not doing their lives
for them, or living our own lives through them. 
I see so many young adults trying to study science,
when they want to be fashion designers, trying to be
 good at sports, when they want to do art, or be
French teachers. 

If we aren't careful as parents to carry on with our
own hopes and dreams, as well as nurturing our
children's dreams, we'll be working on creating
clones.  Clones aren't happy, free people who
can choose to be anything they want to be -- they're
copies, and unhappy imitations at best.

If we take our kids to ballet, or the Science Fair,
cheer them on, but don't think of their success
as our entire life's purpose, ironically they have
a better chance of thriving and loving what they
choose to do independently.

If we can do that -- continue to focus on what
we love to do, even after we have a family --
our children will thank us one day.

Have a-focusing-on-your-own-dreams day.

Happy International Happiness Day

Ready for Joy

Barbara Muir © 2011

(I'm using the same image on both blogs tonight

because that arms in the air happy pose is the

subject of the first blog on this site, and it

is the universal posture of over-the-top happy people.) 

Today seems like a great day to announce this
blog to the world. I have been pretty busy with the
rest of my life, and that is a good thing according to
experts -- busy people are happier.  So what's up?
Well it's the first ever International Happiness Day,
and the United Nations has recognized the importance
of happiness to its 193 member states.

I've been thinking a lot about happiness and couples.
This is the first day of spring, but outside it's
still winter and it's been a long one. One of my
students loaned me a book that was
featured on Oprah's Life Class series this
winter -- The Five Love Languages by
Gary Chapman.  This book has transformed the
way I look at talking to my husband, and I'm
sure you'd enjoy it whether you are married, or
 in a love relationship, or not.

The author proposes that the main reason we are
on the planet is to be loving. That's not a new message,
but the way he applies it to marriage (and it can work
 in friendship and in all of your relationships) is if that's
our primary purpose, we'll think twice before criticizing,
joking about our mates in a negative way, or putting our
partners down with other people.

Will this destroy the humour in your relationships?
I haven't found that to be true.  I think my husband
and I have had more fun, and laughed more since
I started reading Chapman's book, than we ever
did before.  And we have always loved anything
funny.

What may disappear is sarcasm -- which doesn't
really help intimate partners, or for that matter friends,
family, or work mates.  The put down is a big part of
North American life.  But in one on one relationships,
and in relationships between countries -- it doesn't lead
to happiness.

What does help is praise, and kindness -- but as Chapman
points out we have to learn how to talk to one another first.
His book goes a long way to teaching us how to transform
our love relationships.  More loving = more loved, and
that will make us happier.

Welcome to my blog and

Happy International Happiness Day.

The elegance of kindness

 A boy walks through a child-sized arch in the 

community gardens at the Brick Works in Toronto, Canada.

These gardens were near the building where I first

started painting with my art club, the DVAC and

met my very kind friend George.

Elegance is something we all crave -- elegant homes,
stylish cars, luxurious vacations and clothes.  But I
would argue that the most important form of elegance
is kindness.  Every act of kindness is an act of love,
and as such is the sign of true elegance.  When you
help someone else in small or major ways, pay someone
a compliment, or notice the kind actions others
have performed for you, you make the world a better
place.  This isn't a new idea I know, but it's an
important one.

 A friend of mine, a fellow artist, died last week.
 In a month we will have a memorial to pay him tribute.
We are calling it a celebration, but I imagine there
will not be a dry eye in our small art club room, next to a local
library.  What I hope will resonate with everyone
present, is that a life well lived with a sense of
elegance is a life filled with kindness.  And
that is what our friend, a wonderful artist too,
had going for him.  Even confined to a wheelchair
with ALS, only able to move the device when
someone moved one hand onto the controls for
him, my friend had the grace that comes from
thoughtfulness.  He listened to my stories,
and beamed at me.  And in my mind he was still
the vigorous man he'd been a couple of years
before, who traveled around Europe appreciating
and making art, and was no doubt welcome
wherever he went.

My friend George knew how to smile, knew how
to care, and I think he definitely had figured out
how to be happy.

Have a being-kind-for-the-joy-of-it day

Look forward

 Melinda Esparza walks her dogs.

Photo By Edgar Schrock

 January is a month filled with plans, and a
sense of entering new territory.  And that's good.
A friend taught me to pay attention to how
 dogs move through life. It's rare for a dog out
for a walk to look back. She said we could learn
a vital lesson from that, and I think she's right.
It's counter intelligent to focus too much on the past,
the minute details, the what went wrong?, the who
 hurt who?, and who said what, and what does it all mean?
That doesn't mean that we can't treasure our
delightful memories of people, places, meals,
music, wonderful books, art and a whole
world of past pleasure.

But it does mean that thinking about the next
minute, what you see in front of you, what is
special right now, and then leading yourself
forward with engaging plans will be a better
way to foster feelings of happiness, than
dwelling on all the should have, could have,
would haves that plague us.  Instead move
forward and notice what's great, and
what you are doing well today.

Now how about a walk with the dog?

Have a moving-forward-with-grace day. 

(Note -  I don't mean we should forget
our history.  I mean we have to live today
no matter what that history was.)

Silly works

  Tap H-a-p-p-y on Your opposite hand.  

I usually start with the thumb, but I

photographed it this way so you could

read it.  (Note you don't need sticky notes

-- those are strictly to illustrate.) 

The beautiful hand is my 

husband Steven's contribution.

Barbara Muir © 2013

One of the things that gets in the way of my happiness,
and something many people have talked about is
obsessing.  You are lying in bed at night, warm, maybe
 even with the one you love sleeping next to you, and you are
wide awake running a movie of the next day, a fight you had
with your teenager, a big problem you're having with
a project.  The continuous loop is riveting.  You
can't sleep, you can't relax, and if this thing goes
on for days, you may not be able to eat, you may
even get sick.

How can you stop it right there? Allow your
magnificent, goofy, problem solving brain to
take over.  First take a deep breath (deep
breathing always helps us calm down -- I know
you already know this.)  Then do a child's trick.
Tap "I love you" on your opposite palm. Three taps
= I love you.  You don't love you?  You better start.
If that doesn't make you smile (back to day one),
try this. Spell out H-A-P-P-Y on your right hand
with your left hand.  If you're not alone and it's the
middle of the night, do this silently.  Try it.  Come
on.  Guess what that right hand (and your left hand
too) is perfect for spelling happy.  And -- just
spelling it begins to make your brain think you are.
At least the possibility exists.

Do me a favour and keep this to yourself.  But
sometimes the simplest little ideas transform
our existence.  And when you're trying to be
happy -- that matters.

Have a H-A-P-P-Y day.

Get professional help

 

 November sunset over a farmhouse 

on the road to Kingston

Barbara Muir © 2013

Tomorrow night on the OWN network's
Next Chapter, Oprah Winfrey will be interviewing 
David Letterman.  In part of the interview
Letterman will talk about his struggles with
depression. Depression is a far cry from
the winter blahs, or just feeling a bit low.
If you are feeling terribly sad because of a loss
or crisis in your life, or if you are suffering
from a debilitating depression, or if you just
need to talk to someone -- get help.  Ask
someone you trust to recommend a good
therapist.  In Canada psychiatrists are
covered by our health insurance.  Most
colleges and universities offer free
therapy to their students and faculty.  But
if you're not in school go to a trained
therapist.  And if one therapist isn't right
for you, get the name of another one.

And go, even if figuring out what's wrong
is painful at first, keep going.  Eventually you will
feel better, and that's going to be good.

Here's a couple of links for Canada:

Registry of Marriage and Family Therapists
in Canada Inc.

And the U.S.

American Association for Marriage and
Family Therapy

 and I'm sure many countries
have similar Professional associations that
can find you the help you're looking for.

Have a taking-care-of-yourself day.

Smile first

 

 First Stop Paris

Acrylic on canvas

30 x 30 inches

Barbara Muir © 2012

For about a year now I've wanted to write a blog about
happiness.  I'm not exactly an expert, but I've taught
courses on change management, and for about eight
years a psychology course at a community college,
and in countless cases I've seen what works.

Who am I?  I'm an artist and a teacher, a mother of
two sons and a very happy wife.  My expertise on
happiness is partially anecdotal, and also from
research because I find the topic endlessly fascinating.

What's odd is that we often hone our skills in happiness
at very hard times in our lives.  I started wanting to be
happy probably at birth.  But really began working on
it when I was the mother of a young child, my first born,
and worried that my own lack of understanding of how
 to be happy would get in his way.  He is a grown man now,
and married the one he loves this year, so I feel like my
decision to figure out how to be has worked out well
for him.

With one reason for my passion

 for happiness -- Christopher

I'm calling the blog Smile First -- because that is the
most basic rule for happiness.  Try smiling -- even
if times are hard.  Even if you've been crying because
of a horrible loss.  It is known that smiling  tells
the brain that you are happy.  We smile when we're
happy, and smiling also makes us happy.

Last night I watched a Ted Talk by Amy Cuddy --
she explains about a great study she carried
out at Harvard on Body Language.
That's also where I got the idea for my blog title.
I'm sure I'll be linked to lots of Dentistry blogs,
but I have long wanted a place to talk about
happiness in addition to my talk about art.  I do
try to combine the two because they are linked in my
mind.  But from time to time when the happiness
writing urge hits.  This will be the place.

Have a smiling first day.